woke up this morning with this question ...

 

... in my work and in my life.  I don't have a ready answer and that seems odd.  So today, taking some time to ponder ... continuing E Squared experiments ... cleaning and then smudging the house ... replacing cleaned crystals with fresh intentions ... being open to what comes along.

onward ...
l i g a - kvk

lush ...

... colors, smells, light, tastes.

Deliciously fragrant beeswax candles have been burning all day along with intermittent sticks of nag champa.  A fresh batch of eco-dyed lengths of silk hang along my studio shelving unit, the colors deep and rich, punctuated by dark marks from rusty bits and blushes of pink and orange from onion skins and copper pipe. 

These lengths were all overdyed.  I started with yellows from a natural dyeing workshop back in the spring and olive to celery from last years not particularly successful evergreens experiment.  So I really had no idea what the finished colors would be ... not that I ever have any idea what the colors will do.  This time it was even more unpredictable ... which I dearly love.

I'm trying to decide if I'll list them on Etsy.  There's a couple I might be hard-pressed to part with.  I just like looking at them hanging all in a row ...

This one's kind of subtle ...

as is this one ...

 

this one's got some lovely flashes of yellows, greens, magenta and orange and nice marks from rusted wire ...

 

this one's not really colors that I wear, yellows and oranges ... but I'm tempted to keep it

 

and this one's my favorite ... it's got some really exceptional marks from rusted bits of bailing straps and the colors are, in a word, lush ...

 

I think I'll leave them hanging for a bit longer and then we'll see ....

 

The day was full of lush tastes ... a tall jar of fresh green juice, homemade scones - vegan spelt, blueberries, oats, sunflower seeds, flax seed meal and maple syrup, lunch of basmati rice topped with nuts and dried fruit, cinnamon and soy milk (a splurge instead of my usual almond), an afternoon snack of toasted almonds and Earl Grey tea.

 

It's been the coldest day of the season, brilliant sunshine but frigid with blustery winds, so I've been hunkered down ... clad in a toasty warm ochre lambswool sweater and fleece pants, thick socks and slippers.  I fired the kiln this morning, which, along with the afternoon sun pouring in, warmed the upstairs nicely. 

 

I've been reading E Squared by Pam Grout. and today's experiment was about seeing what we don't normally see ... today I was supposed to be on the lookout for yellow butterflies.  Considering I wasn't planning on going outside much and even if I did, it's butt cold and there aren't any butterflies around, she assured me there are other ways of seeing butterflies.  Okay, I decided to give it a shot.  But I decided that I'd be open to any color butterfly.  First one I saw this morning was deep blue on a book cover by my side of the bed ... good start.  But after that, I couldn't imagine where I'd see any more. 

 

After morning tea and a bit of web surfing (no butterflies), I headed to my table to start work for the day.  I got the urge to do a bit of cleaning and de-cluttering and as I was putting things away and dusting, there on my table was a whole flock of butterflies ...

 

 

I completely forgot that I had all these lovely little hand-painted silk butterflies in my desktop potted plants ... and for the most part, they're yellow.  Needless to say, this brought a large smile to my face and pretty much set the tone for the rest of my day .... lovely. 

 

Planning on the evening being just as nice ... hoping yours is as well.

 

l i g a - kvk

 



semantics and imagery

At first it seemed like a huge wall, a dam with floodgates, calm and brilliant on one side, dark anticipation on my side ... borderline terror when thinking of opening the gates and releasing the torrent, being consumed, drowning in the unknown.  Something like this ...

But the vision has evolved.  Not so much a vast dam, more a smaller sluice gate.  Holes had started to show up, a small breach, a gentle release rather than the all-consuming torrent.  Yesterday the gates began to soften.  Today, I reached in and opened the gate.  Instead of being met with an intense wave, the brilliant pool of prismatic light moved slowly, a thick viscous liquid - like flowing mercury or lava - but crystalline.

Currently, it's flowing through me and surrounding me ... a gentle, loving and supportive embrace, all consuming, uplifting and joyous.  More like this ...

... lovely.

l i g a - kvk

minor obsessions and pools of rainbow light

Well, I'm still pretty much obsessed with these colors.  I just can't help myself.  Here's the assortment of gorgeousness that will be going into my next necklace.  I know she's going to be an Epic Ocean Muse ...

She's going to be  l o n g g g g - I'm hoping for at least 42" - hence the big assortment of treasures - pretty sure I'll need more.  I've been drilling out pearls, beach glass and gemstones.  She'll be strung on unbleached linen cord and have a lot of fine silver beads that I've rescued from a couple of my wholesale samples.  But that's all I know for right now.  Can't wait to see what she's going to look like.

Of course, I've been borderline obsessed with these colors forever ... just lately it's gotten to be even more so.  I had a follow-up session with Marilyn last week.  During part of the session I had a really strong visual of swimming and playing in an ocean pool - joyous and free and exhilarating - something like this image I found of the Amalfi coast ...

After our session ended, that visualization had me going straight over to my worktable to re-do my talisman.  The updated version has a moss aquamarine faceted nugget, a vintage carnelian nugget, a nice chunk of teal green beach glass, my small P4R medallion, a bronze life spiral with "I Am" on the back, bronze "abundance" text nugget with a watermelon tourmaline cylinder, my chakra pendant with a ruby at the heart center, a gem stack of blue aquamarine and apatite, my cross with LGLG on the back (let go let god), more blue aquamarine and a heart shaped teal beach glass nugget.  The blessing is still that bit from the Michael Beckwith quote, "a way will be made."

The other thing I was moved to do was pull out my "RLB" ... really long bracelet!  I wore this on my right wrist for years and years - never took it off.  At one point it was 16' long.  I remember once when it broke while swimming with my chocolate lab, Satchel, at Lake Fontana.  He got a little too enthusiastic, hit my wrist and beads went flying.  I said, "darn, I wish he hadn't done that."

I used to sell them by the foot for some ridiculously small amount of money ... they take hours and hours ... that's a butt load of beads to string.  I'd sit there with 30 or 40 bins of beads and dive in like an improvisation ... very intuitive and meditative.  Anyway, I pulled it out and put it on my left wrist ... very strange at first, but now it feels like it's always been there.  My RLB has a substantial visual as well as physical weight.  My favorite part - there's a ton of really beautiful ancient Roman glass beads - the expensive ones.  Plus, it keeps me from wearing my watch - a real test for miss clockwatcher me.  The idea is my right brain/left side needs even more nudging - retraining my brain to allow the analytical side to be less dominant. 

The other really strong visual I got from our session was of being behind the steel gates of a large dam.  On one side of the dam, I can easily see a brilliant pool of white light with rainbow edges - kind of like being in the middle of a complex prism of light.  On the side I am right now it's feels kind of dark and stifling and there's a huge amount of fear anticipating what would happen if those flood gates blasted open.   I know I want to be on the side of that pool of light, but the idea of being swept away in sudden release scares the bajeezious out of me.

So, I've been working on not being stuck behind that dam.  Subsequent meditations and breathwork and yoga and swimming have created a shift ... the dam has sprung a few leaks.  And, as of yesterday, the leaks were getting bigger.  I'm thinking a slow breach is just fine.  Looking forward to swimming in that pool of rainbow light ...

l i g a - kvk  

p.s. this week's FreeWill Astrology horoscope made me chuckle

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of July 11, 2013
Breakthrough will probably not arrive wrapped in sweetness and a warm glow, nor is it likely to be catalyzed by a handsome prince or pretty princess. No, Sagittarius. When the breakthrough barges into your life, it may be a bit dingy and dank, and it may be triggered by questionable decisions or weird karma. So in other words, the breakthrough may have resemblances to a breakdown, at least in the beginning. This would actually be a good omen -- a sign that your deliverance is nothing like you imagined it would be, and probably much more interesting.

morning ponderings

Been thinking about craft and tradition.  I acquired, much if not most, of my current aesthetic from my pottery teachers.  It was earthen clay that showed me the way to elegant simplicity, understated beauty and the utter joy of the imperfect ... wabi-sabi.  In my mind, clay and making pots, whether thrown or pinched or slab or whatever, is closely associated with the tradition of Zen meditation.  In keeping with that tradition, my most influential teachers had a quiet assurance, effortless movements and a willingness to share everything.  I am so blessed to have had these teachers ... Kathryn Roe, Daniel Rhodes, Vivika and Otto Heino. 

In clay, I had teachers and mentors ... in jewelry not so much.  Maybe because I haven't attended any schools or taken classes ... I am self taught.  I exist, day in and day out, in my own little bubble ... relative isolation.  Granted, I live in a city, in a neighborhood, with all the noise and hubbub that goes with it; Target and Home Depot are a five minute drive from my house.  But when it comes to my work, I have no teachers, I have no role models or mentors.  Maybe that's why I struggle so much with my place in the world of adornment ... why I so often feel lost.

I've always been a follower.  Being at the head of the pack is uncomfortable, accepting recognition for my work and contributions makes me squirm.  But I keep coming back to that Ghandi quote, "be the change you wish to see in the world."  So as I peruse all the pieces of my dismantled engine and work on the slow process of reassembly, I'd like to look for ways to celebrate and uplift my clay tradition in connection to my jewelry.  I know I already do that to a great degree ... but it's been unconscious and now I'd like to move it more to the front ... shine a light ... conscious integration.   

There's a lot of people making spirit infused jewelry ... I would love for there to be a more visible platform to celebrate and connect this work ... must look for the connections. 

Hmmmm, kind of losing the thread for now ... further pondering needed.

l i g a - kvk

(re)assembly required

I'm all about imagery ... totally visual.  So, I finally came up with a visual to help me see how I'm feeling and what's been happening since my session with Marilyn.  

Marilyn said, "we went really deep."  Okay, so that's what that was.

What I got at the end of our session - a brilliant rainbow laser blasting open my heart center.

  

 I'm still feeling pretty much discombobulated - out of sorts - perplexed - guarded - almost itchy - that feeling where my skin doesn't seem to fit.  I'm realizing a big challenge with working remotely is I've been feeling kind of hung out to dry.  We've had a couple of follow-ups and I had some homework, one piece is done, another I'm still working on.  I've been feeling frustrated.  Now I'm seeing that I was hoping for an instant solution, I wanted Marilyn to fix me ... silly silly me. 

Where I got to today - we dismantled my existing "engine" ... my usual m.o.  All the parts are laid out next to me.  What I've been trying to do is reassemble them exactly as they were before ... been a bit frantic about it.  What I thought I needed was for everything to immediately fall into place, newly assembled, all fresh and brand new and fully functioning. 

What I'm seeing today - there's a reason for my discomfort ... maybe I don't need all those bits.  Maybe I can leave some out or gather some new ones.  I'm designing a new me, my existing paradigm is shifting and reassembly takes time.

  

The whole reason I scheduled this session was to work through my stuckness.  I'm thoroughly sick of listening to myself whine, no doubt you are as well ... lord knows, it's been going on for a long time.  I've done multiple posts, written pages and pages, meditated and cajoled my psyche to no avail.  Lines drawn in the virtual sand, ceremonies, prayers and intentions and wishful thinking ... sheesh.

So, right now - today - as we speak, here's something different ... a visceral dismantling.  My knee-jerk reaction is to immediately freak out, scream bloody hell and try to start putting it all back together

 . just . like . it . was .  

But as of right now - today - as we speak ... full stop ... step back ... breathe.

I'm looking at what I make, why I make it, what makes my heart sing, what makes me cringe, why did I make that, what would I make if I wasn't concerned about price or marketability.  What about wholesale - do I want to continue designing collections and following that model?  How do I want to connect with my clientele ... on-line, in person ... and what will be the vehicle for that connection?  I'm looking at what motivates and inspires me; I'm looking at how I price things and what feels right.  

I'm looking at everything.

I'm looking at all those parts and bits laid out alongside me and choosing which ones I bring back.  Conscious selection and reassembling.

Today's final card sums it up pretty well - from The Enchanted Map oracle cards, #19 Dragon's Lair:

 "The path you're on now is one that will challenge you to the core.  That said, peril is also exciting and exhilarating, like the danger you feel before you enter a new relationship, knowing that you'll be changed forever ... A new experience is calling to you, one that will test your courage.  The choice is yours, but there is greater value in risk taking than remaining unchallenged.  New territories are waiting to be discovered."

Indeed.

So I am endeavoring to slow myself down, resist my compulsion to put everything back together just as before and explore the uncharted territory before me, picking up only the parts I need to move forward and, with a blessing and thanks for the memories, leaving the rest behind.

onward.

l i g a - kvk

tenacious bits ...

tentacles

shreds

remnants

vestiges

remains

Those niggling bits are not letting go without a fight.

Dreams have been crazy and erratic.

Some 'letting go' efforts have been more successful than others.  

I've emptied out that bowl full of components that's been sitting on my worktable for months and sorted out fine silver bits that have been sitting in my supply bins for even longer.  Most have been listed on Etsy.  Some bronze elements I cut off the silver bails and chucked straight out.  

Some of the silver components that have been listed on Etsy ...

 

And some pieces from my All One Talismans series ...

I've also listed five of my eco-dyed silk scarves.  I'm really really pleased with my results and can't wait to use some of the plant stuff I've been stashing in a jumbo zip-loc in my freezer.   

This one's my absolute fave ...

But back to those tenacious bits ...

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  Behavior modification, breaking long-held patterns and habits, changing how I operate in the world ... this is big time stuff.  

 

Some days and nights are better than others.  A couple of days ago, I woke feeling like I'd been to war with my subconscious ... flat worn out.  I've been working on weaning myself off of the nightguard I've worn for the last 18 months.  The thing does nothing to stop me from clenching my jaw, it just keeps me from further cracking and wearing down my teeth.  It's a classic western solution - don't fix the problem, just use this really expensive gizmo and cover it up.  So that morning, I woke with my jaw in pain and a huge headache.  My mind was still reeling from layers of convoluted dreams.  The next night I wore the nightguard.  

But, that was it ... it's an ongoing challenge to stay aware through the day.  When I catch myself clenching my jaw, I try to stop and say "it's okay, let go" then take a minute or two to massage the joints, repeating my little mantra.  Needless to say, it's a process. 

One thing I keep coming back to ... it feels vitally important ... my work - all of my work - must be my own.  I'm down to my last few Basha beads, but for now, I'm not going to order any.  As much as possible, I want all the elements in my work to come from me.  Granted, for the most part I've been doing this for years.  But I'm finding this urge is spilling over into things like my clothing ... curious.

It's also why some of those bronze elements got chucked out.  Last year, I had what felt like a huge inspiration.  I have a very talented friend that has a singular artistic voice and style.  I had this idea to take some of her decidedly quirky images, translate them into rubber stamps and do a series of components and jewelry ... a collaboration of sorts.  I approached my friend and she very graciously gave me permission to use her images.  I spent hours and hours choosing images, photo-shopping them, laying out my proposed stamp sheets, pricing then ordering the sheets.  But the images didn't translate like I was hoping, I'd made most of them too big and should have done 'innies' instead of 'outies'.  I remained enthusiastic and hopeful, but the finished pieces just weren't working for me.

So they've been sitting on my worktable for months.  I wasn't really sure why my inspiration flagged and evaporated.  Surely, I could have revised the size of the images and had new sheets made ... but I resisted.  Now, and I feel this very strongly, I'm glad it didn't work out.  

As I'm moving forward, it is essential that I stand on my own.  It's enormously tempting to pursue a path where I can glom onto someone else - that "guilty by association' thing - get sucked into their wake and propelled along in their momentum.  I know it very well ... been there, done that ... and it's a nasty nasty habit.  I want to feel the exhilaration generated by my own momentum.  

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe in partnerships and collaborations.  

But for now, I need to see what it feels like - me, all by myself.  

My over-analytical brain keeps wanting to know "why" ... "what caused all this in the first place?" - don't I need to know all those "w's" to really let go and move forward?  I'm sticking with my current idea - don't try to figure it out ... just keep letting go.  

Yep, those niggling bits are indeed tenacious.  

l i g a - kvk

 

promise

I've been watching the flowering quince at the end of my drive ... blooms and buds popping out ... seems too early to last.  Every time I look at those buds, the word promise comes to mind.  Today I was compelled to explore the idea of promise a bit further.

the promise of spring

the promise of growth

the promise and potential in raw materials ... silver

... gemstone slabs

 ... yards of vintage homespun linen from the Ukraine

But ultimately ... promise and potential and hope are within me 

... all that's left to do is open my hands and let go

l i g a - kvk

bumper car syndrome and beyond

It's all been kind of swirling ... feeling like something of a muddle ... no clear direction ... no clear motivations ... move forward a step or so ... slam into something borderline annoying ... fall back two or three ... turn back around into what feels like a bumper car ride or moving head on into a gale force wind or being trapped in a riptide ... stop and go and stroke, stroke and just slog on ...

I haven't been keeping up with blogs, have started multiple books and can't find anything I want to stick with.  I haven't done much of anything that requires a lengthy conscious engagement, visually or intellectually.  I just haven't been able to focus on anything for any length of time.  Where I've tended to go on-line has been Pinterest ... small bursts of visual juice without human interaction.  I've made brief visits over to Facebook and will post a sentence or two ... so I haven't been completely out of touch.  More often than not, I have felt like I can't do anything right which, a couple of weeks ago, led to something bordering on one of those nasty dark nights ... laying in bed, sobbing and lost - poor Dave next to me, worried and equally lost as to what to do or how to help.  The next day, I said "enough."

I applied to an on-line business workshop and got accepted.
Make Your Mark - Tara Gentile is team teaching with Adam King.  I told them in my application,
"I believe my best future lies in ... developing a new business model that supports direct and very personal relationships with shops and individual buyers."  I told them, "I want to be called on my sh*t and embrace my full potential."  To myself I said, I have to stop doing the same things I've been doing for the last four years, all the while hoping for different results ... btw, that's my favorite definition of insanity.

The class started on the 9th and goes for 12 weeks - 3 weeks on, 1 off.  Each month is a different focus - first is personal, second is purpose, third is product. It's small ... not really sure, but I think there's no more than a dozen women enrolled.  We have homework.  We do Skype conference calls with this background chat thing that's taking some getting used to.  There's FB interactions and office hours with more Skype instant messaging.  I am so out of my comfort zone ... but that's the whole point.

This past week, our assignment was to record interviews with our most ideal customers.  For me, I added in business owners as part of the mix.  Picture little old me, miss anti-social, serious hermit person ... conducting three face-to-face interviews and one over the phone.  One person I didn't even know before this past week.  Adding complexity to this assignment is my absolute unwillingness to ask anyone for any help or pretty much anything.  My underlying m.o. has always been, don't ask because you won't get it ... I have to be 100% self-reliant.  Needless to say, with this new adventure, that's getting tossed right out.

On top of all that face time and hard core human interaction, Cara talked me into attending two local art events, the Project Handmade fashion show and a Handmade In America (HIA) social to launch their IndiGoGo fund raising campaign.  It gets crazier ... I joined HIA and signed on to be one of their "ambassadors", which means more human interaction and further expanding the boundaries of that old comfort zone.  

Then, on Friday, I hauled off an emailed a jewelry designer in Paris, asking if she'd be willing to share how she's built her line of one-off jewelry into an international sensation.  Okay, so I haven't heard back and I have serious doubts that I will actually hear back at all, but I asked and it's a start.  

As for my work ... I've got a bowl full of Talisman components waiting patiently, I've filled a couple of orders, one being a pick box of the steel Urban Primitive pieces (I did mention that in my last post).  It took a bit to get back in the flow of that work, but I'm really pleased with the results.  Not sure what all she kept.  I'm kind of hoping this one comes back ...

And then another crazy-making component of this past week's outings ... whatever on earth was I going to wear?  I can't believe how much sleep I lost, my mind racing ... running through my closet over and over and over.  I have a very spare closet and it turns out that my normal 'go-to' pieces no longer fit ... you see, I've lost 17 pounds and most of my clothes are now way too big - that's a lot of weight on a 5'2" frame.  I do know this is kind of a nice problem, but that didn't help when I was trying to assemble 'put-together' looks.  I will say the outfit I wore for my interview with local style icon, Constance Ensner, was my favorite.  I don't have any pictures, but see if you can visualize this ... a very crisp and tailored, black Brooks Brothers dress shirt with French cuffs, layered with a Cara May asymmetrical black linen knee length tunic, over Japanese selvedge denim jeans (an eBay steal for 25 bucks!) with my Fiorentini/Baker brown oxfords, topped off with one of my chunky Urban Primitive Pieces and steel/linen earrings.  That seems to be what 'my style' is turning into ... a mix of tailored and edgy, bargains and consignment store finds with well-crafted, handmade goods.

Then for the HIA social, I swapped out the tunic (so's Cara and I wouldn't be twinsies) for a light gray, vintage Lilith tailored linen knee-length coat ... one of my favorite consignment store finds from Port Townsend ... that used to be a bit snug and now fits.  I woke up on Friday morning with an idea for a new necklace using some of my recent haul from the gem show.  I bought a bunch of raw lapis in this crazy electric blue.  Joanna Gollberg was at the same vendor and going for the same thing ... she allowed as how she just wraps the big chunks up in a towel, takes a hammer and whacks away.  Sounded like my kind of lapidary work ... lord knows I love whacking things.

The main idea though, was for the pmc components.  I wanted to make tapered cylinders and coordinating tube beads and rings, take them straight out of the kiln - no polishing or tumbling, chuck them into a strong liver of sulfur solution until they were a nice color, add a couple of layers of Renaissance Wax and call it done.  I got up Friday morning, ditched my exercises, went straight for my vegan/spelt blueberry muffin and multiple cups of PG Tips and set to work.  By mid-afternoon, I was assembling the components.  I added some unpolished raw bronze and a rather spectacular Basha bead and, lord mercy I've got to say, I think I came up with a show-piece ... the Moon Goddess.  I'm hoping that, over time and through being worn, the surfaces will develop a 'personal patina' and the raised areas will start to have a bit of a shine.  Whaddaya think?

 

Here's a close-up ...

So, where I am today ...............
I still don't have a bloody clue where I'm going or what's next.  Mainly, I'm using this model from Danielle ... just doing what I'm inspired to do.  I don't have any holiday orders to fill (every time my new rep goes on a road trip, she ends up in the hospital - not a promising trend), or shows lined up and I don't have anything new to list on Etsy, well unless I decide to list the Moon Goddess.  I've got a homework assignment that is making me cross-eyed.  I'm letting it rest for a couple of days and will dive back in tomorrow.  Times like this, I'm always reminded of Geoffrey Rush's character in Shakespeare In Love ... how will this all work out?  "I don't know, it's a mystery."

All I can do is face the wind, put my head down and keep moving.
Onward ........

l i g a - kvk

p.s.  and just so's you know, I really am in a better place and for a wee bit of a Sunday chuckle, I'd like to offer you a bit of Christopher Walken.