discombobulated .......

and I'm not sure why. 
It's not that I'm not getting things done or that bad things are happening or anything I can put my finger on.  I guess I've got a lot on my table, literally.

It's just been things like closing out and reconciling the consignment account at Artisans on Taylor that really make my head hurt.  Probably why I hate consignment.

Then there's the new computer - lord mercy that's a lot of work and is still very much a work in progress.  Little things like my old accounting software won't work on Windows 7, so I bought new software which is just sitting there because it's an absolute blank slate and I've got a ton of info that has to be plugged in before I can use it.  Today when I needed to print an invoice, I had to alter an old purchase order form and plug everything in manually.  I've got a 60 day money-back guarantee, so if anyone has any opinions about Bead Manager Pro, I'd love to know.

And then there's this inexplicable obsession I've got with the color blue - you know that luscious dark blue with a bit of green in it.  What is that color?  Not really peacock, darker blue but with more green than the indigo ... where's my box of Crayolas when I need them?  I think it started with my need a few months ago for Japanese indigo cloth.  I do love these panels - that's my "self-portrait" in cloth behind me ... vintage Japanese indigo dyed hemp, raw linen from Provence and unbleached muslin ... stitched together with red silk up my "spine", studded with raw diamonds.  The muslin's the old me, the linen is me as I am now, all of it held in the embrace of a dark blue sea.

But the blue thing is quite strange.  I've always thought when somebody said their favorite color was blue, that was kind of like saying you like music - well, duh ... can we be a bit more specific here?  But I am full on obsessed.  I've got some blue tourmaline crystals OTW and, since the gem show is next week, I'm trying to hold out and not buy the faceted ones on Etsy.  If you look at my Etsy favorites, there's a slew of blue.  I just ordered some traditional striped Provencal napkins and table runner in blue.  And here's my new product packaging.   The midnight blue tissue paper and the chocolate brown pillow boxes are gorgeous.  I ordered them from 800Gift Box.  The company I've always used has cut way back on what they offer and I found this company which has a great selection, good pricing, reasonable shipping and very fast. 

Of course, I'll have to redo my labels, 'cause they just don't show up on the dark brown boxes.  And then there's this predominantly blue tile image that has found its way onto my Talismans hang tags.

Here's the card with the faded out tile image in the background and a not quite so faded image of an astrolabe.

And then there's all the other things waiting in the wings ... I'm dying to get going with the How to Rule Your World book and audio sessions that I won from Hiro's June give-away and then I'm trying to muster my focus to dive into a new exercise program.

And a major theme behind all of this new stuff is the absolute knowing that I'm getting ready for something big - but I don't really know what.  It's like packing for a trip but you don't know where you're going.  I'm laying the groundwork, bolstering up my infrastructure, designing all the bits and pieces and merging them into a coherent whole.  I'm just going with the flow and seeing where it takes me.  I'm also working on some new medallions with the words feet downstream stamped in the back.  I love that image.  It's one of the few useful things I picked up from all those years of working at the Nantahala Outdoor Center ... when you fall out of your raft or boat, get on your back and point your feet downstream.  A good thought to end with. 

This will be me signing off, going with the flow ... feet downstream.

l i g a - kvk

p.s.  tomorrow's the last day of my Etsy anniversary sale - 31 years, 31% off!

crushing realization

I've got a slew of pictures and new work to share and lots and lots going on.  But what's been niggling my brain is a follow-up post to Hiro's challenge.  Through the day and every night when my head hits the pillow, I've been considering and composing.  So this morning, the tumblers have an hour to go and I figured I needed to get this out of my head and onto the page, well the virtual page.

Here's my original post.  My follow-up ...

So much to consider … knowing the shift has begun.  Looking at what has come before, pondering what is ahead.  Coming to the realization that my entire model for business is based on what I’ve been told is the “proper and accepted” way to do things, this is the best formula for pricing your work, this is how you interact with your clientele, this is where you sell your work, this is how it’s done.  

With minor exceptions, everything about how I’ve run my business has come from outside of me, from the experts, the respected elite.  It’s no wonder I am feeling a big disconnect.   My throat is closing and tears are welling as I write this, but what I now know is … I am not the ruler of my business.   I’m not sure I ever have been.  That’s a crushing realization.  

I’ve been in business for 15 years but, in many ways, I feel I’m just beginning.  The learning curve feels horribly steep, the rules have changed.  I’m pretty sure there aren’t any rules.  So here I sit, trying to get to that quiet place in my heart, trying to get out of my Type A head where I’ve always been able to ‘figure it out’.  Not feeling so joyous about my grand leap, just feeling overwhelmed and confused and kind of sad.  It feels like more of a slog through the mud than a leap.

But the light, the spark, the desire to move forward is not diminished.  I know I’m on the right path; it’s time to ascend to my throne.

Okay, the tumblers should be done ... back to work for this little peep.

Onward ........

l i g a - kvk

quiet thoughts and the multitudes

Quiet thoughts.

Quiet day.

Conversation difficult.  Unable to focus on work or being productive, spent the afternoon finishing my fluffy novel - delicious and absorbing.  Three nights in a row up past midnight unable (unwilling) to stop reading.  On this overcast and chilly first spring evening, hoping for an early night and a better night's sleep.

But wispy thoughts have been playing in the background.  It's so difficult to turn my designing mind off. 

It's times like these when my thoughts seem strange and foreign and my skin feels tingly and too small and I move around my workroom making hurried notes and sketches, trying to capture that fleeting image or idea.

It's times like these that I feel like someone else ... or maybe it's that I feel like more than one person ... a multitude of beings thrust into my head clamoring to be noticed, to speak first and loudest and not be missed.

It's times like these that I cherish, feeling so alive, creative energy barely contained and then I realize I'm holding it in, trying to control it and not be overwhelmed by the force.

One day, I will let go.  One day soon.

blessings - kvk

extracting a long buried thorn

A couple of days after my last post, my emotional pendulum took a wild swing to the dark side and it's been an enlightening trip back to this morning's ... well yes, I'm going to say it ... epiphany.

I can't really remember how it started, but here's how I wrote about it in mid-swing ...

"Looking back at so many painful memories from adolescence ... feelings of being supremely uncool, a misfit.  For so many years, an underlying desire to achieve fame and fortune solely as a 'f-u' to everyone who dissed me in school - seems to be a pretty common motivation.  I grew up feeling surrounded by thwarted potential, that mediocrity had been forced onto me along with a suffocating sense of lack, there was never enough.

But in drawing the line in the sand and resolving to create a new life paradigm, that old thorn began to irritate, age old pain flaring up.  The pain has brought the thorn to the surface.  While still sore and slightly inflamed, the tip is now exposed, primed for extraction.  It is right and it is time for all those painful memories to lose their edge.  Time for the inflammation to be lanced, the wound flayed open to be bathed in healing light and love."

The need for forgiveness has been the underlying theme.  Over the last couple of weeks I've felt the tension easing, those ancient wounds starting to heal.  But it's felt like there was still a missing piece.  Then during this morning's meditation, it hit me square in the heart ... it's all well and good to forgive all those that had 'done me wrong', but bottom line, the one person that really needed forgiving was myself.  When that thought came to me, the tears started pouring and my mind swirled with a long stream of awful and not so awful things that emerged as a long list of regrets.  It does no good to forgive someone else if I haven't forgiven myself.  

So to make it official, I hereby extract that dreadful and ever so long buried thorn and shout out to the world ...

I FORGIVE MYSELF!  

I am a dynamic light filled force, heaven bent on sharing the love and light 

that radiates from my heart like a supernova. 

The tears are still flowing, but I am filled with so much joy and with so much gratitude .....

blessings - kvk

p.s.  if this resonates ... "TRUE FORGIVENESS is the master release process, a tool that opens the energy field of the 'body' and liberates destructive energies from within. Once you actually understand Forgiveness, you will never forgive anyone again. Forgiveness is not letting another off the hook for their offenses. The root meaning of Forgiveness in Aramaic is 'to cancel, untie or let loose.' It is a tool for changing a reality in the mind."  ... you might enjoy visiting this website.

empty mind

Interesting time right now.
Feeling somewhat blank, open, not focused but not out of focus, maybe empty, most likely recuperating from 5 months of being wonderfully inspired and intensely driven.  I've gone from being totally absorbed, traveling a well drawn path, hands full to brimming ...

to empty hands, mind at rest, path unclear ...

I'm keenly aware of the opportunity that lies in an empty hand.  I'm not forcing myself to get busy or accomplish anything.  It probably helps that I've got a cold in full bloom and have absolutely no energy.  

I've mingled in bits of Christmas treasures among the existing ones ...

I've watched the snow pile up on Christmas weekend ...

And watched the snow melt in time for the New Year.  You can hear the remnants dripping into the downspout while we watch a very special New Year's Day visitor ...



I've been reading novels with absolutely no redeeming value, lush contemporary gothic fluff from a newly discovered author, Kate Morton and gone to see The King's Speech twice.

I plan to not have plans for as long as I feel compelled to make no plans.  I'll try not to fret and will no doubt make some effort to do a few necessary things.  Since my birthday I've taken on the challenge of following the path of least resistance and it's served me quite well so far.  In my current state of a relatively empty mind, I want to pay close attention to what piques my curiosity, no judgment, no filtering. 

Empty mind and an unclear path - what a wonderful present in this new year!

with deep gratitude and warmest blessings - kvk

p.s.  accompaniment to a quiet winter's day.  Joni's still the best, but this is darn close.