11 April 2010

synaptic ruts

Some might have noticed ... I've been in hiding for a bit.  Over the last couple of weeks, there's been a wonderful visit from one of my best friends which included a visit to my old stomping grounds and another friend's MFA thesis reception, computer nightmares, plain old introverted hunkering and a lot of sorting out and rethinking and reassessing.  I've reread a bunch of old blog entries and am trying to not be totally disgusted by my lack of forward progress.  The words 'synaptic rut' come to mind.  The last couple of weeks have been all about breaking out of my well worn ruts.

Rut destruction has included socializing with some of the old NOC crowd from the early 90's - I worked in the Outfitter's store for about 5 years - just let me know if you need a canoe outfitted, help with your hiking boots or adjusting your backpack for the AT.

blurry good fun - Phyllis, Cindy and moi - NOC buddies from 1990

Rut destruction has also included regular walks at the Arboretum alternating with  my Jivamukti video practice.

Cindy and me at the Arboretum
Further changes have ensued ... I think it was maybe a week ago, lying in bed, hoping sleep will come sooner than later.  An image came to me ... I'm in a small rowboat at a dock.  I have a large knife with a serrated blade in my hand and I've cut the big rope that seemed to be tying me to the shore.  Visually the link has been severed and for all I can see, I should be free to move away.  Turns out that's not what was really holding me back.  I finally see that I'm really stretched out, as far away from the dock as possible, but my big toe is just barely grabbing the edge.  All this time I thought I was breaking free, I was really still holding on.

I'm a very visual person - no surprise there.  I like to have a working image to keep me on track.  For years it's been the 'leap of faith' image of Indiana Jones stepping out into the abyss in The Last Crusade.  Another of my working images came to me a couple of years ago during a morning meditation and is about my weight.  I saw that the extra pounds I carry are a mask that I hide behind, an imaginary fat suit.  All I needed to do was unzip the fat suit and step out to see the real me.  After that realization, I actually lost about 10 pounds - they just disappeared.  That weight has snuck back on and I can feel that, once again, I've been hiding in my 'fat suit'.

So in the past week, I've put together a new working image ... I'm standing at the water's edge.  I unzip my fat suit and step out onto the dock and into the rowboat.  This time I easily toss the rope onto the dock, my feet are squarely in the boat and I begin to drift out into the water.  There is movement, progress away from the dock.  The movement is not specific or directed, but it is movement nonetheless ... a gentle transition, no abrupt leaps, no aggressive severing of ties.  The progress is out into the unknown, wide expanse and I must participate, the oars must be engaged.

I have no idea where I'm going.  I do know that we are going to Provence in less than 6 weeks (yep, got the tickets - better travel times, lower price).  I am still working on new jewelry and I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible (that's a tough one - bordering on addiction).  There are comments from previous posts I have yet to respond to and for that I apologize.  I have to believe that as I, once again, regroup and reassess, rowing purposefully and fully engaged, I will arrive revitalized and ready to meet whatever lies ahead.

So here's a peek at what I've been working on the last couple of days.  The work will be going onto Etsy, but it will probably be Tuesday before I have time to photograph and list the pieces.

I really love the middle earrings - moss aquamarine and flourite
Like I was saying ... I'm not sure what's ahead, but it does feel different - honest it does.  I'm going to do everything I can to climb out of my deep synaptic ruts and carve some new ones.  I'm hoping for lots of surprises.

with enormous gratitude ........
blessings - kvk

p.s.  my horoscope for today:
Your horoscope for April 11, 2010
You will have a day of profound reflection, kathy. While you may be tempted to look back and think about how far you have come in the last months, your time would be better spent thinking about what the future has in store for you. You have entered a period of rethinking both your identity and your objectives. These are not small changes. You will need every ounce of energy at your disposal to make it through this time of transition.

gotta love the universe


  1. Hi, Kathy - I have some dear friends over in Blowing Rock who worked at the NOC. Not sure if the time is the same. Do you happen to know a couple named David and Posie? (Might be a long shot here, but what the heck?)

    Good luck with your boat trip - sounds like an adventure!

  2. Hi Kathy,

    I just want to say I feel as if we are kindred sisters or something. We seem to be on very similar waves lengths, often. Rut destruction sounds good, travel to France as well!!
    Looking forward to seeing your new work.


  3. hey sweet one, been thinking about you a lot lately... this rut destruction feels like real good stuff. i see you laughing in that top pic and i think (feel) "yes! rut destruction is occurring!"

    and to me it looks like your new work reflects this rut destruction...

    i'll bet the trip to france will greatly aid in the rut destruction process...

    yours in rd,


  4. Good luck with the rut breaking. It's hard when you've sort of inched your way down, deeper and deeper, not realizing it until you're near the bottom.

    I love the new pieces. They're amazing. Reminds me of seaweed and kelp strewn with ocean-tumbled gems. Lovely work!

  5. Hi Kathy
    I came here because of Nina. Nice to see you and I do remember the NOC in the nineties.

  6. Zoe - David and Posie, sound familiar, but not sure. We lived in the area for 13 years, I worked at NOC for 5 and Dave for 10 years. Lots and lots of folks came through. As for my boat trip - I'm still moving, still not sure where.

    Hillary - I love making these connections! Let's keep them going for sure. The new work is very satisfying, all I want to do is make stuff but there's all these other things to do ... I'll just be swinging back and forth and around and about for a while.

    Lynne - YES! Rut destruction is most excellent! A good way to inform my daily actions. So far, it seems to be helping. xxxxxx

    Hey Andrew! Definitely inching my way back up - liking it a lot. Oooh - "seaweed and kelp with ocean-tumbled gems." - YES! I love that. Thanks for the visual link.

    Sukey - Hey you! Such a small world. Boy that was the early 90's when we met - summer 1990 - right when we got there. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! Hope all's well in your world.

  7. you look so happy in that image!

    i think the dream about the toe holding on is wonderful; maybe you're not holding on or stuck or anything, maybe you're a woman who has the tools (the rowboat) which you are already "in" to come and go from the dock (which connects you gently to the wealth of earthly life, and walks you when you wish to the waters of life, and your boat and oars!

    someimes we hold onto old thoughts when looking at the images... i think its a wealth dream. Power in hand and toe. Balance.

    loving the seaweed looking gems; like something dredged fresh from the depths of water creativity and flow.


  8. m - It's taken me this long to get to this point - just starting to process your words. I'm seeing you as a precious mirror, reflecting my words back and offering a large dose of perspective. I can feel the truth here as I'm still not quite able to grasp the meaning - the words are still bouncing off. Each time I revisit them, the edge softens and a bit of clarity sifts in.
    ... processing
    with much gratitude

  9. every dreamer "owns" an emotional landscape of "knowing" that is first instinct when doing dream touching.... but we often hold onto the old self, when looking.

    Joy comes when we can just say, It is what it is, Even if i don't consciously or logically know how to see it or say it.

    Its perfect, just the way it is, and IS !

  10. I am smiling - surrendering to joy and easing into bliss ......


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