21 March 2012

accept or resist

Before I can make a choice, I want to understand what it is ... I'm trying to figure out this one thing, this part of me - is it my true nature, a habit or something else.

I've always thought of myself as someone who's on top of things, organized, professional, but not too obsessive about it ... basically a Type A but with underlying slacker tendencies.  But over the last three years I've been changing.  It's hard to know what's really happening, there's been so much going, in my own world and the world at large.

There's the cross country move, from Port Townsend back to western North Carolina - no small thing.
There's menopause - basically, I'm done ... well there's still those mild hot flashes every now and then, but not much else in the way of tangible changes.
I just turned 56 and while I feel more like 38 (how old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?), there's definitely physiological things going on that can't be ignored.
There's global economic woes that I have no control over, but may be affecting my business.  Personally, I think it's me, not the economy.
And of course there's all the insane planetary stuff ... oof! 

Alright, so you're wondering where I'm going with all this.  I guess my starting place is communications ... it's a total love/hate relationship.  Let's start with the telephone.  I don't really care for the telephone, but it's not unusual that I'll talk for an hour or more to friends and family.  BTW - I really don't like my cell phone.  But most of the time, I'm woefully remiss in calling my family and friends ... just ask my Mom.

Then there's email.  I love checking email, but have a hard time responding in a timely fashion.  The only problem with not responding right away ... those lovely emails pile up and become a source of guilt and dread.  As I'm writing this, I'm remembering another factor ... I'm very much an introvert.  Myers Briggs profile, INFJ. 

The next question is, why am I writing about this right now?  I've got a couple of very nice success stories, but for the most part, me and my business have been cruising under the radar for a very long time.  I really want to change that and this is where the acceptance/resistance thing comes in.

I'm seeing the numbers of people following this blog increase ... my number of official followers has doubled over the last couple of months.  Sixty-two is not much for most of my blog buddies, but it's a big deal for me.  My blogging friends will get 62 comments on a post, me ... not so much.  Part of the blog thing is comments ... I love comments - really I do.  But that introvert/communication thing kicks in and sometimes it takes me a week or two to respond.  Sometimes I respond straight away, most times not.

So what's worrying me is, do I really want to merge onto the big business highway and if I really want to jump into the fast lane, can I change my mode of operation?  Do I need to change?  I've always said, "when I grow up, I want to be eccentric."  Is that happening?  Is that okay?    

Something else I should mention ... I'm a bit of a control freak (Nina don't laugh).  But these last three years have pretty much thrown me for a loop, so many changes ... I can't figure it out.  That hard core logical side of me, that Type A persona is morphing into something new and different and unknown and, truth be told, kind of scary.  I take great pride in knowing myself, having a clear understanding of my inner workings and motivations.  Lately, I don't have a bloody clue. 

I'm an emerging artist ... a 56 year old, post-menopausal emerging artist/crone/wise woman/healer ... other monikers TBD.

So the question remains ... accept or resist?  I'm with the Borg, "resistance is futile."  Looks like I'll accept.  No idea what that means, but it promises to be an interesting ride.

onward .........

l i g a - kvk

p.s.  wow, I'm up to 64!  cool beans ... thanks kids!


  1. Kathy, I read your blog. I like your writing.I like your jewelry.

    Confusion starting in the 50's in common; the bumper sticker "I don't have estrogen but I have a gun" applies.
    Suddenly you can be more or less depending on what you choose. Yet how to choose. This or that. Yes or No...

    You realize between 50 and 60 that time is finite, your choices matter. I have had different me's and worlds emerge and change. Jewelry, social work, consulting, markets, travel, grandmother, writing ,chaos, confusion, acceptance etc. I turn 70 in April, I look 60, feel 40, and act out quite often as 10. What other people are doing is always a factor a measuring stick yet this is your life and your choices. An old friend reminded me that no one is watching you and no one cares or keeps track . This is about your values.

    Best of luck to you. If you are curious.. my poems reflect the process of figuring all this out. see http://awild patience.blogspot.com

    I live in WA, have moved 35 times; had a career, retired,started a new one etc. It is hard and confusing but being true to your inner most self is the real test. Good luck.
    Joan Tucker, Off Center Productions

    1. Thanks Joan! I really do know I'm not alone in all this. And between hormones and the planets, it's a wonder I ever get anything done. I also know about moving ... we've moved 22 times in 30 years ... makes me tired just thinking about it and my resume could be turned into a nice little novella.

      My primary goal is to stay present and within that, follow my intuition, make work that I love and enjoy the ride.

  2. I love this post, Kathy.
    I've already learned so much about you from it. I am also the 55 post menopausal crony ( I have a hard time with the crone word) Maybe crown would be better still.)

    I hear you about the trajectory of your business and the choices you need to make to control it. I have struggled with the idea of finally seriously challenging myself with choices such as teaching and focusing on getting more published against just enjoying a nice creative cruising artistic life without the pressure. I so enjoy blogging and connecting and have found it rewarding in my " real job" retirement and I totally hear you about the pressure to reply and respond to people that are following your journey and taking the time to support you with their words.

    Sometimes I feel that I fall short and don't have the gift of salient insightful comments. I don't want the blog to turn into an "oblogation"
    yet I'm really starting to see a turn in my business and creative journey exactly as a result of my networking.

    I once had someone say that when you were up against a life choice you ought to examine the patterns of what you usually do in such instances and then take the path of what is most unlike your usual patterns
    assuming that they both can be considered healthy choices of course)
    because that is how you will stretch and grow the most.

    I also read that post menopause is when the Kundalini energy is rising in a woman and the creativity emerges in new ways as your energy is no longer being utilized for child rearing. at least that's how I interpreted it.
    Enjoy the ride whatever you do.

    xoxo Kim
    (longest blog comment I've ever written...see what you did!)

    1. Kim - Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. I do enjoy this blogging thing and will continue to work on my communications pecadilloes.

      When I get out of my head, I'm pretty excited about how I am changing and evolving. I do know I'm not looking for balance so much as clarity and, like your friend suggests, seeking out the road less traveled.

  3. Type A with underlying slacker tendencies, I love this. I think I am one of those too. I think Joan's probably has it right. I know for myself being mid 50, exactly, I think about the trade offs. Do I pay more attention to my business or my garden? So many things to consider but at the end of the day I am 55 wondering how much of life I may have overlooked if I keep up with the Type A side of me. I think probably what you are feeling is normal for this stage of life. And that feeling like you haven't got a deep understanding of your inner workings just reflects this stage of life. I am definitely finding it a transition stage and often it seems difficult to find that inner voice of mine that was the guide in life for so long. Anyhoo, you are definitely not alone in this. I recognize myself in so much of what you are saying. I actually feel quite a lot better knowing I am not alone.

  4. Oh! I'm INFJ too! We're so rare! And I totally connected with all the "love the comments, have trouble responding to 'em" + emails + phone calls, etc. Your work is truly gorgeous. Drool-worthy, really.

  5. Kathy,
    Once again you are writing what I am experiencing.
    Seems like there are a lot of us going through similar changes.
    I love Kim's suggestion, let's replace "crone" with crown and wear it daily!


  6. Yep, I'm figuring there must be a whole army of us. Maybe I should resurrect my Third Millennium Light Brigade and give it a twist. Introverted post-menopausal women as emerging artists ... might need a bit of work.

  7. Wow! I could have written your post if I was half the writer you are, that is. Love the reference to Type A with slacker tendencies. But all the confusion about where to go from here and being mid-50's resonates with me. As do all the things that suck energy. Like this morning, looking at my chipped nails and polish on one toenail toes that need attention. I got started in the artist business late in life relatively speaking and feel like I am cramming 30 years of experience into 10. Or, at least trying to but my damn day job keeps getting in the way:)

  8. Love this post, it speaks volumes! Your work is amazing and so is your writing. I, too, am a bit lacking on the 'keeping in touch w/folks' thing - I think many of us are,....I think 'age-wise' although I'm about to turn 47 this month, mentally I'm in my 20's or 30's (immature in actions or thoughts at times) but physically I'm spot-on at 47! Wish those were the other way around! LOL!!

  9. So very pleased to read how this resonates, that I'm not out there on my own.

  10. great post, I'm 41 but can relate...I thought my slacker tendencies were due to "perfectionism" LOL but who knows. seems like there is so much to do, to analyze, to read, to try and I'm not sure how to make the time thing work...i love your work, very inspiring

    1. Thanks for stopping by and joining in the conversation! Work in progress ... at every age!

  11. Beautiful work and wonderful post. Add one more to the count!!

  12. This is a wonderful post.

    You have written this before, "when I grow up, I want to be eccentric." Is that happening? Is that okay?" I keep wondering what does it mean to be "eccentric" to you cause that word is like a bead on a sliding scale of measure for all people. How it feels inside you, what it means to you to accept something in-visioned within; regarding art/creativity/crone power/eccentricity/non-conforming expectations.?

    "These last three years have pretty much thrown me for a loop, so many changes ... I can't figure it out." And yet your art is maturing into a beautiful expression of inner spirit! I witness it.

    Since my brother died over two years ago, everything is in question. What is most meaningful to do and be--on the phone, online, with words, dance, my mind, hands, voice; pottery, sculpture, photography--presence! To open or to go deeper within; in the end the deeper in always gets shared outward, and the world is so rich with beauty and beautiful people, its almost like you can't really miss! Something profound can happen at any time, anywhere, and it all tangles as we move onward.

    Maybe its that balance between preparation for opportunity and trust that the inner desire manifests. Trust and simplicity.

    Blessings. Thanks for this it made me think!

    1. Damn you’re good!
      I think the whole thing with eccentricity is “non-conforming expectations”. It’s a real challenge for me to not be swayed by outside influences and opinions, to trust my own core instincts and ignore the masses. I’m getting better at honoring the truth of my inner voice and it definitely is showing in the work I’ve been creating and my path of acceptance. Changing old patterns and carving new synaptic pathways, ignoring the well traveled road and making my own way … I guess that’s my path to eccentricity. Seeing the gifts in my mood swings and the beauty of these challenges … it is a delicious dance and wonderful journey.
      Thank you for sharing it with me.
      My “Deva” card today was “simplicity.”
      light filled blessings …


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