01 May 2012

some face-time with my demons

Very curious goings on this last week or so ... some of my old programming, beliefs and fears have been surfacing.

Maybe my brain's getting rewired from trying out a few tapping videos (a new thing to me).  Or maybe it started when I was listening to my '09 FireStarter session the other day.  Danielle commenting on images of me, saying I looked quirky and cool ... it was really my old RayBan horn rims she was referring to, but my reaction then and my reaction now - pretty much the same ... "she's kidding, right?  I am supremely uncool.  Not that I wouldn't love to be considered 'cool', but it just ain't possible."  A few days later, I had a lovely, long chat with my cherished good friend, Teresa out in Port Townsend.  Teresa used to own Artisans On Taylor and has always been a great champion of me and my work.  She's long maintained that, yes - I am in fact cool.  Still not so sure.  Well, I was looking pretty spiffy back in April '06 ...

Then today, it hit me when my 'uncool' image started ... 4th grade, Ruth Henegar Elementary School (1964).  New kid in a big new school, all kinds of stuff to get involved in.  I tried out for talent shows ... how many 4th graders want to get up in front of the entire student body and sing Moon River, first a-capella for the try-out, then with a Henry Mancini record for the official performances - there were two because everyone wouldn't fit into the auditorium at once.  Then I ran for Sgt. at Arms of the Student Body, the only office open to 4th grade.  I ran against Norma Gardner, the most popular girl of the class - I marvel at that awareness.  Again, up in front of the whole school to make a speech.  I had 3x5 note cards and ended up doing a bit of ad-libbing after hearing Norma's speech.  Pretty sure it was a landslide in her favor.

I got pretty quiet after that and through the rest of my school years ... not a lot of friends, no dates, no prom, got stood up a few times including my 'best friend' ditching me on graduation night - boy did that suck.  I'm thinking I didn't always make it easy on myself ... I specifically remember a time in high school spouting my theories about how it was totally possible to walk through walls ... it's really a wonder I had any friends at all.  But now I'm looking back and it feels so much less ... a stinky lingering demon that, as of right now, seems to have lost most of its pizazz.

Then there's my wretched fear of the IRS.  I can imagine I'm not the only home-based solo entrepreneur with that one.  Ties into all those money issues.  So when I got a big fat letter from the IRS yesterday, I thought I was going to be sick.  It had been 'one of those days' and I was already not happy.  The mail ran late, I wanted to sit down immediately and see what the heck was going on and how on earth could we owe another $2350, but I only had a few minutes to start my investigation before having to head to the kitchen - it was a long night.  I dove in first thing this morning and came to realize I had misplaced a 1099-R for when we transferred an IRA and a 1099-INT for a wee bit of interest.  It was looking like unreported income.  Thankfully, the IRA stuff is in order and I'll just write a couple of teeny checks for the under-reported interest income.  There's another demon - face to face and I'm just fine. 

I've got to wonder why all of this matters.  Pretty sure logic has absolutely nothing to do with it.  But I figure taking the sting out of long held fears, bolstering my self-image, facing those lurking demons ... it has to be a good thing.  And I've got a new self-image in mind ... me, standing tall (well as tall as 5'2'' will get ya'), acknowledging my gifts and unique abilities, a huge toothy grin on my face, wielding a staff firmly planted in the ground beside me.  A line has been drawn in the sand in front of me and I'm raring to go ... a couple less demons in tow.

l i g a - kvk


  1. Since you make such cool jewelry, I just assumed you are also very cool. Glad you sent that one particular demon packing...

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  3. first of all, old friend - old, meaning having known you for a lot of years at this point - crucial years, at that - you are FAR MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW than you ever, ever were. and i am not just saying that. you really are.
    second of all - it's a wonder that we didn't telapathically connect back in the junior high school years, when i was standing in a corner of the gym in that godawful red one piece gym suit with the shorts and the snaps up the front(come to think of it, i'd wear it now, at home) trying to blend in as best i could. cheerleader try-outs (the memory still makes me cringe), being thrown out of the girl's locker room in my slip by a bunch of mean spirited girls, walking home alone in the afternoons wondering how i would ever fit in. now, at 55, i realize i never will conform to what i thought society expected me to be. i gave that up somewhere along the ninth grade, and i've felt comfortable with that ever since. yet still, i worry, and i know you do too. money, security, acceptance (?!), the urges to express myself artistically in an original, non-imitated manner...these things are what keep us pushing the limits with what we do. "we are a parcel of vain strivings, tied by a chance bond together", said henry d. t. i first read that quote as written in pencil on a piece of note paper, sent to me in the mail by a fellow high school wallflower, and i've never forgotten those words.
    you've not sent the cool demon packing. i know you all too well. but you've managed to keep it at bay, and you have dave there to back you up. demons will always be over our shoulder, but hopefully we have the strength to make them stay far, far away.
    i love you, seasoned friend. the miles have carried us far, and we're still here. that matters. xo

  4. telepathically. i actually do know how to spell, i swear i do.

  5. Kathy, You're awesome! Don't stop doing what you're doing! I'm a huge fan!

  6. Nothing like events in high school to shred your self-esteem unless it is being a single parent of teenagers. And even when you think you have chased those thoughts away, they can sneak back up on you sometimes. Funny how long we can remember the bad things and how they can override the much more pleasurable good things. Why is that?

  7. Whew, I think many, many people relate to that post! And yes, why do we remember that stuff like it was yesterday? Those wounds can just fester - ick! I say "Out, Jezebel!" Here's the vision I hold. You and your adorned staff standing on a mountaintop with hair, gown & jewels flowing in the wind that blows to send your love & creations in the four directions. Then you roar "OUT, fear, OUT!" The echoes resonate to all creatures, great & small, even those little fourth graders out there right now. You know that your actions free not only you, but creatures who may not yet be on the planet! Go, Kathy, Go!

  8. you;re ALREADY perfect and possess the highest heart of your deep desire.

    Reach for that!

  9. Wow! I have been admiring your jewelry style from afar for quite a while now and would have NEVER thought you uncool. But thanks for sharing your fears and strivings because it brings us just that much closer to knowing we really are one.

    Be well.


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