crushing realization

I've got a slew of pictures and new work to share and lots and lots going on.  But what's been niggling my brain is a follow-up post to Hiro's challenge.  Through the day and every night when my head hits the pillow, I've been considering and composing.  So this morning, the tumblers have an hour to go and I figured I needed to get this out of my head and onto the page, well the virtual page.

Here's my original post.  My follow-up ...

So much to consider … knowing the shift has begun.  Looking at what has come before, pondering what is ahead.  Coming to the realization that my entire model for business is based on what I’ve been told is the “proper and accepted” way to do things, this is the best formula for pricing your work, this is how you interact with your clientele, this is where you sell your work, this is how it’s done.  

With minor exceptions, everything about how I’ve run my business has come from outside of me, from the experts, the respected elite.  It’s no wonder I am feeling a big disconnect.   My throat is closing and tears are welling as I write this, but what I now know is … I am not the ruler of my business.   I’m not sure I ever have been.  That’s a crushing realization.  

I’ve been in business for 15 years but, in many ways, I feel I’m just beginning.  The learning curve feels horribly steep, the rules have changed.  I’m pretty sure there aren’t any rules.  So here I sit, trying to get to that quiet place in my heart, trying to get out of my Type A head where I’ve always been able to ‘figure it out’.  Not feeling so joyous about my grand leap, just feeling overwhelmed and confused and kind of sad.  It feels like more of a slog through the mud than a leap.

But the light, the spark, the desire to move forward is not diminished.  I know I’m on the right path; it’s time to ascend to my throne.

Okay, the tumblers should be done ... back to work for this little peep.

Onward ........

l i g a - kvk